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Identity Threat
I conduct short introductory sessions with people who are interested in life coaching, but want to know more before they commit themselves. So I met a young Chinese student, who had sent me a list of the things he wanted to improve in his life. The list was pretty impressive for a young man (he wanted to be more of a leader, for instance), and I was certain we would get along just fine. However, as I was telling him how life coaching could make him happier, he started to look uncomfortable. When I went over his list and explained that I could coach him towards achieving them, but also said that some items go against his communication style, which I had assessed before we met, he almost got upset. "I want someone to push me", he said. "Why is that?", I asked him. "Because I don't do these things myself, but if someone pushes me, I do them", he said. Now, all of this young man's life, he had been told about things that he "should" do and "must" do. Whenever he resented what he was told to do, somebody pushed him by saying (and I quote) "Do this, or you are no good". So he learned to trade his sense of self and inner direction for other people's attention (albeit negative) and eventually their approval (when he finally got something done). You see, people have strong beliefs in their mind, called "convictions". These beliefs make up their identity, their sense of who they are. When I suggested to the young man that I would teach him how to be happy, regardless of which of the items on his list he actually got done, he got upset because I was threatening his identity. In his world, being happy was not as important as what others (teachers, parents, friends) thought about him, and he was willing to work hard and torment himself, if it would please others. Since life coaching is all about empowerment and happiness, this was clearly not what he needed, and we parted ways. But this left me sad to think that many parents out there raise their kids to please them and to conform, not realizing they would grow up continually needed others' direction, even at the cost of their happiness. |
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The copyright for this content entitled "Identity Threat" has been specified by the contributor as:
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This intel was contributed by Gal Baras
Gal Baras
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May, 2012
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